#5 A Strange Feeling towards Someone "Dear"
Today, I left the house in my hometown to go to the hospital in the city to donate blood for my roommate's mother who was to undergo an operation today for her tumor that originated in her fallopian tube.
The tumor began its growth since February. It was only since two days ago that she had been admitted to the hospital.
My roommate had told me before about her mother but I did not realize how worse it was until I saw her mom today bedridden.
Tita In-in (Aunt In-in/ the way I call her mother) was covered in blanket. But I could clearly see the changes in her. She looked like a skeleton because of what had become to her skin-- it was very thin and there formed a depression (concave) on her cheeks. I would always recall my roommate's mother as someone on alert for whatever profit she can gain for her business and family. She reminds me of an eagle-- having a wide overview and keen sense of what's down there for merit. But her warmth to those people she loves is like that of a mother bear.
But today, none of those characteristics above ascribed to her was present. Instead, she looked like a dying ant queen. One would pity her at her state.
On the contrary, nothing came out from me for her. I did not donate blood when it was found out that the required number of packs of blood for her had already been completed prior to my arrival. My roommate just called me up a few hours prior to the operation and there was a lack of dialogue between the hospital staff and the family about the blood donation.
But anyway, what I want to point out here is my strange attitude towards the mother.
I did not feel pity towards her mother. I also did not cry (I cried a little bit, but there was no real feeling (And notice my writing above, why do you think I bothered to put metaphors and pictures for the description about her mother when she is in her worst? )
My roommate was crying in front of me as we sat in the bench in the chapel. But even a hand I did not bother to raise it to caress her back to comfort her nor say "God bless you. I will pray for your mother." I just stared at her and observed her tears flowing down.
Who am I to suddenly say "I pray for you?" sincerely when this "omniscient being" has been a passing thought unexplored deeply to me?
And I thought "your mother will recover soon!" as if the situation was not serious. Indeed I did not think and feel the seriousness of her situation.
There is this societal expectation about roommates that when none of your friends help you, it is your roommate who will come to help you at your worst. The first times we were together I was very happy. But now I cannot help but feel boredom or indifference.
I still remember my roommate and her family' s generosity to me. They welcomed me in their house like I was part of their family and they gave me a lot (in my opinion) of money almost everytime we see each other. My roommate introduced me to a new world. But I think:
"Did I ask for it? No."
"Did I expect it? No."
Yes, I feel ungrateful even if I already spent the money.
But someday I will return it. Kindness and generosity must be returned.
I thought that regardless of my "apathy" towards her and her mother or family, the most important thing I could give to her is my commitment to help her for nobody else around her can understand this except me.
The feeling of compassion naturally happens to a person. You cannot force it when it does not happen or is not meant to happen for that time.
Can you think of why one would feel apathy towards my roommate, her mother, her family in such a situation?
I can write this next time.
On the other hand, I have 3 articles I have to write (as far as I remember)
1) Thought about movie
2) My fantasy concerning man
3) On Friendship
When I'm confident of the speed of internet connection, I will rewrite this article for additional/removal of some thoughts or just edit the entire article.
Thank you for reading. Good night.
The tumor began its growth since February. It was only since two days ago that she had been admitted to the hospital.
My roommate had told me before about her mother but I did not realize how worse it was until I saw her mom today bedridden.
Tita In-in (Aunt In-in/ the way I call her mother) was covered in blanket. But I could clearly see the changes in her. She looked like a skeleton because of what had become to her skin-- it was very thin and there formed a depression (concave) on her cheeks. I would always recall my roommate's mother as someone on alert for whatever profit she can gain for her business and family. She reminds me of an eagle-- having a wide overview and keen sense of what's down there for merit. But her warmth to those people she loves is like that of a mother bear.
But today, none of those characteristics above ascribed to her was present. Instead, she looked like a dying ant queen. One would pity her at her state.
On the contrary, nothing came out from me for her. I did not donate blood when it was found out that the required number of packs of blood for her had already been completed prior to my arrival. My roommate just called me up a few hours prior to the operation and there was a lack of dialogue between the hospital staff and the family about the blood donation.
But anyway, what I want to point out here is my strange attitude towards the mother.
I did not feel pity towards her mother. I also did not cry (I cried a little bit, but there was no real feeling (And notice my writing above, why do you think I bothered to put metaphors and pictures for the description about her mother when she is in her worst? )
My roommate was crying in front of me as we sat in the bench in the chapel. But even a hand I did not bother to raise it to caress her back to comfort her nor say "God bless you. I will pray for your mother." I just stared at her and observed her tears flowing down.
Who am I to suddenly say "I pray for you?" sincerely when this "omniscient being" has been a passing thought unexplored deeply to me?
And I thought "your mother will recover soon!" as if the situation was not serious. Indeed I did not think and feel the seriousness of her situation.
There is this societal expectation about roommates that when none of your friends help you, it is your roommate who will come to help you at your worst. The first times we were together I was very happy. But now I cannot help but feel boredom or indifference.
I still remember my roommate and her family' s generosity to me. They welcomed me in their house like I was part of their family and they gave me a lot (in my opinion) of money almost everytime we see each other. My roommate introduced me to a new world. But I think:
"Did I ask for it? No."
"Did I expect it? No."
Yes, I feel ungrateful even if I already spent the money.
But someday I will return it. Kindness and generosity must be returned.
I thought that regardless of my "apathy" towards her and her mother or family, the most important thing I could give to her is my commitment to help her for nobody else around her can understand this except me.
The feeling of compassion naturally happens to a person. You cannot force it when it does not happen or is not meant to happen for that time.
Can you think of why one would feel apathy towards my roommate, her mother, her family in such a situation?
I can write this next time.
On the other hand, I have 3 articles I have to write (as far as I remember)
1) Thought about movie
2) My fantasy concerning man
3) On Friendship
When I'm confident of the speed of internet connection, I will rewrite this article for additional/removal of some thoughts or just edit the entire article.
Thank you for reading. Good night.
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