Freya's Blog

How long does it take you to make a lesson plan? One lesson plan takes me a day or a 2. What takes me long is that I imagine of many ideas but not being able to think clearly of them or follow what will happen after that. In addition I lost many important thinking habits. Like, I dont think of the consequence of my thoughts amd actions. Then, I lack concentration. And I dont value myself much. For example, If there is something I like or dislike, I would ask myself "to what extent do I like this?" or "do I really like this?" and would presume without being aware of it that it would not last long just because I decide that I dont really like it without giving it a chance of being more exposed to it or interacting with it more and then I proceed to thinking of something else without closing the thought properly or evaluating it properly so there is a lack of concentration on one subject. For example, since I was a child other people told me they thought of me as...

When will I ever understand that past is past? I have to entertain new thoughts, new ideas... 

Almighty father of loving kindness I thank you for everything. For all the people I meet in my life and help me.  For giving me another chance to show what I can do. I am sorry for forgetting them and prioritized my own pleasure Help me have a grateful heart  Heal me from my woundedness.  Let all my intentions be stemming from gratitude and love.  Let your spirit dwell in me.  I ask for good relationship among the people around me.  Protect them and help me say the kind and loving words they must hear  Help me to truly care for people.  Help me remember everything. AMEN

I want to have a healthy and beautiful children, an honest, healthy, handsome european husband who does what he loves to do. 

It has been 2 months since the research class started and yet I have not written anything at all. To be honest, I do not feel like graduating. I just have to because I do not want to upset my mom and even if I do not really love the job I have to earn money. I do not like my teachers because they teach nothing, so lenient and and do not correct us. But when I say this, I think "do I have the skill to show them what I want to happen? My way? And once I do, can I maintain it?" If you ask me what I want to do, it is staying at home, taking care of my husband, have children and make awesome memories (we can learn new language together or cook together or do science experiments or make some crafts or art or enjoy cleaning or decorating the house or watch awesome movies or write some stuff) and have good relationship with fellow neighbors especially the wives and exchange information, have tea party and have language exchange 😍 And I imagine doing this in a foreign country....

I'm a lazy loser who built nothing. No sense of community, family, friend... With incoherent story in life... Wasting time and money in my life a lot... homeless.. I want to quit school. They taught nothing and people around me don't care too. Just there for the paper. Don't wanna upset mom. I did not listen to my father, my friend... But I'm not entirely shattered. I'll just take alms from those people I used to discriminate, hate... Nobody can help me except me. I miss my dad.